


Is this what happiness feels like?

by purple2panda



Series: MCYT Oneshots :) [3]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), mcyt
Genre: Alone, Cutting, Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:33:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28837842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purple2panda/pseuds/purple2panda
Summary: I wrote this when I was going through a really tough time and is a representation of what I was feeling during the moment. 99% of what is written is what happened.
Series: MCYT Oneshots :) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2114520
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

Am I meant to be feeling like this? It was the day of Vidcon and unfortunately, I couldn't make it. I had stuff planned with my family but all my friends were going. Going without me. I didn't mind but I felt as if I was cast out. Forgotten. It has been going like that for ages. We all called each other 'family' and I would go to them when I'm feeling down or stressed: we all would. It's just, over the past few months, everyone has had meet-ups and stuff while I have done nothing. Nothing at all. They have all been talking about having a house together and all of us are gonna be living there. Well everyone except me. I was never asked to be in the house and when I found out about it was when I watched one of Zaks videos and he mentioned it then. I was never told face to face. I feel like I'm just left out. No one notices me anymore. I'm unwanted, cast out, invisible. No one wants me here.

I was sitting at my desk busy farming potatoes on skyblock when I got a notification on my phone. It was a tweet from Darryl. I clicked on it forgetting what was going on today which I regretted immediately. It was a photo with the group. The caption? The caption was 'Reunited with my family!' Family huh. So I'm not part of this now? Am I not a member of the 'family' that they are talking about? Am I even put into the picture? Is this why whenever I join a conversation now the chat just dies? Am I a burden? Am I even wanted by them? Am I even wanted in the world? I moved away from the computer and went to the mirror. I looked at myself; I had rings under my eyes where I hadn't slept in long, I was getting thinner by the day yet, I am unable to eat anything. I was slowly falling apart but I didn't care. No one does.

I found myself in the bathroom. I didn't know how I got here. My vision is all blurry but I am doing something. I was holding something in my hand. I then felt something soothing on my arm. I did it again and again, I didn't care anymore, it felt nice and that's all I wanted. Finally, when my vision was clear, I was able to see what I had done. Red liquid was all on my arms. Warm red liquid. It was soothing to watch it drop slowly. Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. Into the sink it went. I then heard my phone ring. I didn't want to pick it up as I just wanted to watch the blood that slowly dripped into the sink. I gave up on waiting, washed my arms in the cold water and went to grab my phone. It was a call from Zak... What was I meant to do? I answered it but quickly muted. I couldn't hear anything clearly and realised he had pocket dialled me. I was just about to hang up when I heard my name in a conversation. I listened closely. He's useless? Why is he still in the group? Why is he still in contact with us? I felt hurt. Betrayed. I'm not wanted here. I'm not wanted anywhere. 

I thought about blood. The blood dripping down my arms. The blood dripping down my leg. The blood that would soon be all over my clothes. The blood that would be flowing out of the gash in my neck in a few minutes. I started to laugh. Laughing at how stupid I was to think that they were my friends; laughing at how stupid I was to have thought that they cared; laughing at how stupid I was to keep on living. I laughed while I grabbed the knife again. I laughed while the blood dripped down my arm. 

I then stopped and held up the knife. _What if I-_ **No! You can't. Your family! They care**. _But no one wants me._ **They do! So many people do!** _It doesn't feel like that. It feels like the whole world is against me and I am fighting for my place._ **I promise that they care.** _SHUT UP! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!_ I held it closer, raising it to my neck. I smiled, knowing I would be out of the pain and suffering. I would be wanted wherever I go: everywhere but here. I could feel the knife against my skin; some of it already bleeding. I'm sorry for being a failure mum. I'm sorry that I couldn't live past 21 dad. I'm sorry for not always being there for you sisters. I'm sorry that I wasn't how I seemed to the 'fans'. I'm sorry for continuing to push when it was all a waste of time. I then just cried. I cried so much. I dropped the knife and fell to the floor. I layer in my blood crying. What had I become?

I was on the floor for over an hour at least. I cried until I had no more tears left: I was curled into a ball regretting everything in life. I was scared: scared for what was next. I was so scared that I never realised the door went; I never realised that my mum had let herself into the house. I felt her arms around me and only then was when I was able to calm down. I felt safe. Life wasn't against me anymore. I didn't care about anything apart from that moment; the moment with me in my mum's arms. I felt like a kid again: a small kid wanting comfort and it will always be that way with my mum. 


	2. Welcome Home

I removed all their contacts and left the group chats. I don't want to talk to them anymore. They left me to die. I went to twitter to just tweet a small thing.

Hey everyone!  
Just gonna say I am no longer associated with Skeppy and his friends. Do not ask questions but I will no longer be making videos with them.   
-@Technothepig

I got may comments wishing me the best but also some haters. Oh well, what did I expect? I can't be liked by everyone. I then went to discord and dmed Phil and Wilbur asking them to join VC. We all got in a call with each other and just talked. We were in a VC for 8 hours! I forgot what this felt like. To feel wanted, to feel part of a conversation, to feel loved. That is all I wanted and I finally got it; I just wasn't with the right people. The people who made me feel like I am meant to be in this world and people care about your feelings. I had a family, a home.  
This sort of thing went on for over a month: we would all stay in VC for ages talking about random stuff or laughing so much to a joke that wasn't even that funny. I felt welcome and only after a month, they had become my closest friends; I don't know what I would do without them.   
They knew about the accident however instead of pushing me away, they helped me.   
***  
It was the day I would finally meet them, the day I would meet my best friends in person. It's been about 11 months since the 'incident' and I have been talking to them every night for so long. At this point they were family; Wilbur my brother, Phil my dad.   
I walked out of the gate looking around for them; my family. That is when I saw the sign. The sign that I would never forget. The sign that brought tears to my eyes; I don't know why but it did. It read:  
Welcome Home Pig!   
I think the wording used just made it. Home... a place where I can just relax. I spent no time at all to make my way over and give them a hug. This is what friendship should feel like; this is my family now.


End file.
